Mr Night Manager.

This week has been quite amazing. Me and the rest of the staff at hotel have been working our asses off, trying to get the place ready for the grand opening today. Last night I didn’t even get any sleep because I was so excited. I don’t think I’ve ever been this excited about a job and I’m afraid to loose that spark… I hope I never do. I guess in some ways it’s inevitable that at some point it becomes a repetitive and boring pattern but I am hoping that with the staff we have and the responsibility they give us it will always provide us with new challenges to become better and oh my God, I sound like a fricking lunatic. Anyway, I will be the night manager of the hotel and I think I’m going to love it.

Work is pretty much all I’ve been thinking about these last weeks. When I’m not working, I’m making love to my Playstation Portable, taking pictures or watching a movie. Oh right, I wrote a new piece a few days ago. I just have to record it and then I think I’ll just release it on the web, I don’t feel at all like working with my planned 4^th album right now. Almost feels like a waste of time, trying to make something happen when I’ve struggled all these years and have almost nothing to show for it. Never mind, let’s not think about that.

Waking up in a complete home.

It was such a pleasure waking up in my apartment today. I was surrounded by plants, pictures, frames, fabrics, wood. Everything has come into place and finally it looks like someone is living here. Before it was just, frame work but now it’s actually breathing and growing. I love it!

Right now I’m on vacation, in my house apparently. I quit my job at Sheraton on September 1^st and on October 1^st I will start a new job at a newly built Best Western hotel in Vasastan! I’m really looking forward to that and I’m really enjoying my free time right now. I will have to do some 360 degrees pictures or my apartment when I’m completely done, also displaying my massive 63” projector screen which I have made myself. Yes, I rock :)

I'm to qualified and talented to get a job or a date

*ring ring ring*

- Emil speaking.

- Hi, this is XXX XXX from XXX regarding the job.

- Yes, I’ve been expecting your call.

- Well, we just wanted to tell you that we won’t be hiring you.

- What? Why?

- Well. We feel that you are a very talented artist.

- Okay?

- Also we feel that you are over qualified for the job. We think you should try to make it as an artist!

- Okay, but I’ve been trying to make it as an artist for 10 years now and have I decided I want to do something else, but something rewarding instead of just handing out keys to hotel rooms.

- Yes, but you are very talented and you should definitely pursue your art career.

- So, you think I’m perfect for the job, you hold me in the highest esteem as far as an artist and a performer, but will not hire me because I am so qualified for it? To qualified for it?

- Well, when you put it like that.

I just wanted to hang up the phone, or send electronic subsonic sound waves through the phone to make her eardrums crack. Here I am, working my ass off, trying to make a career for myself with my music and poetry and when that doesn’t work I decide I want to teach, be a mentor and they love me, they think I’m perfect but won’t hire me because I should be working with “my art”. She continued saying that they wanted someone who would stay but because they thought I was so talented I wouldn’t do that because it was just a matter of time before I would break through and become “someone”.

What the fucking hell is wrong with them?! Instead of embracing all that I am and can be as an asset for them, they reject me out of fear that I might leave them when my career takes off? 10 long fucking years you damn bitches, 10 years I’ve been bleeding poetry and music and not gotten anywhere with it. The plot thickens, the noose gets tighter and I start to see patterns in my life. Patterns of failed relationships because they are afraid of all that I am and all that I feel. Relationships that fail because all I can say, do and all I want to be. Now I see patterns of jobs I can’t get because I am to good for them? To qualified? To talented? What’s next? You don’t want to be my friend because I’m to loving, to loyal and to intelligent? I condemn these horrible acts of exclusion. These twisted ways of thinking. These… oh dear, I’ve been watching to much “Sleeper cell”, I’m starting to sound like a fanatic Muslim, peace be upon them. ;)

When did my hands become so hairy?

I was sitting on the subway, consumed by my own materialistic and capitalistic thoughts about what to buy today. The train was filled with people and I had my backpack in my lap, my arms comfortably hugging the backpack and my head resting on my hands. That’s when I noticed it… hair. I started to look closely at the back of my hands (how often does one do that?) and noticed hair, thin fuzzy wuzzy hair from my wrist to my knuckles.

I started to think about how much it would hurt to wax it off… can’t be as bad as doing my chest so, off it has to go. I mean, come on… it’s 2007, what does one need hairy hands for? Come on, slow fucking evolution.

This is my final week at Sheraton! I have 3 shifts left and after that it’s good bye to that place. The renovation is almost finished and it’s all shit. I mean, it looks pretty good but apparently the designers haven’t thought at all about functionality. In a reception there is a lot of filing and paperwork to be done and to maximize our discomfort they have taken away all the drawers and all the cabinets and everything. Not that it increases the space at all because they were all mounted into the wall, but now we just have a huge white wall behind us, mocking us, teasing us with it’s total uselessness. Whoever designed the reception must be fucking retarded or something.

So after this week I’ll have some time off, some vacation, if you could call it that. Fall has arrived in Sweden and it’s really cold. So I’m guessing I will be burning a lot of hours on my projector lamp during that time. Honestly, sometimes I don’t understand how my parents, out of all the countries in the world, could choose Sweden. Sure we escaped death, but for what? To freeze our asses off in Sweden? No, I tell you this my friend, I will be travelling a lot this winter and work wonders on my tan. Oh, not a bad idea, I’ll think I’ll go and get a head start at the local tanning booth.

Women, you can’t live with them, you can’t shoot them.

I just read the dumbest presentation on a dating site EVER. “My name is xxx and I like to do stuff”. Really? You like to do stuff? Like stuff, stuff? Or just stuff? What the fuck has happened to humanity, and by humanity I mean women, and by women I mean these incredibly retarded people I keep running in to.

I was out on a lunch thing, very casual and short. 2 weeks later I get a letter: “Sorry I haven’t gotten in touch with you until now. I’ve been busy thinking about us (WTF?!) and if there is really a romantic connection between us.”

Now, that’s some speed dating motherfucker right there. We had sushi and talked for like what… 45 minutes and she is already sitting at home contemplating about if we are romantically compatible. Give me a break. She finished the email by writing about how I am the most interesting person she has ever met and that she really admires me. Oh get off it… we are not talking about romantic compatibility. We are talking about very straight and forward “I don’t want your dick inside me”.

My friends often say I have a big mouth and that I sometimes sound as if sex is the only thing on my mind. To be honest, it’s quite the opposite. There is so much more that comes before sex that even if I am on a date and hit it off, I would still not take a chica home and get down. Come on, what am I? An animal? If I’m that horny, believe me… I rather please myself then just to hook up with some nameless, faceless person. If I go to bed with someone, I want to wake up with that someone and make some fucking pancakes or what not. If it’s anything short of that, I leave it alone.

So, future dates and future bed mates… I want to get to know you before I get inside you. And if we don’t end up in bed we are still people, you know… social interacting human beings. Don't reduce me to some retarded animal. Everything does not have to be a mission, a conquest for the ultimate whatever. Right now I’m quite happy making love to my camera; at least there I know what buttons to push to make it work, and come.

My new love, my new toy.

Let me tell you about a boy who loved the movies, but never went to the cinema because people are fucking assholes. He couldn’t stand the talking, the smacking, the phones ringing. So one day he said, ENOUGH! And it was good. Yes my friends, I have bought a projector to accompany my surround sound system. I haven’t bought a screen for it yet so I had to improvise, works like a charm!

I can project images up to 100” with very strong light, contrast and details. Who the hell needs a tv? A 40 kg massive piece of shit just taking up all the space on the wall. For the same price as a shitty 32” LCD tv I got this Benq w100 and when I’m done with it I just put it in the closet. No wall mounts, no hassle, no bullshit… just pure pleasure.

I was very surprised by the image quality and how bright it actually is. When your sitting in the dark I swear you can’t tell the difference between the projector and a LCD. People talk about how annoying it is to have to sit in the dark. Hello?! Sitting in the dark is half the pleasure of watching a movie. To get sucked in and consumed by whatever you’re watching. I’m in love, watch me turn my living room into a cinema in 3 easy steps :)

New kitchen and new lyrics.

I had my first dinner in my new kitchen yesterday. I had to take a picture. I also got in the right mood to write new lyrics for a new song, yes, rap, not spoken word. The song is my first atempt to describe my depression which has been haunting me since I was 17 years old. I'm still battling it, most of the time winning but I wanted to put it in words. Take a look, let me know what you think.

I want to crawl out of my own skin and disappear without a trace.
I want a new identity with a new face at a new place.
I want new thoughts, new things to focus on, new things to chaise.
New challenges, new victories, new destiny to embrace.

I can’t flee my thoughts, they always come back to haunt me.
They taunt me in repetitive circles and tighten like a noose around my neck,
Until I can’t breath or scream for help.
I seams the thoughts bring out energies which I have never felt.

It’s hard to describe what I go through when I go under deep.
It’s right in front of me, it’s always popping up in my sleep.
It’s like a steep hill with slippery shoes and I’m trying not to fall.
It’s like travelling in the speed of light and smash in to a brick wall.

It’s like your worst fears combined and multiplied by triple six.
It transcends your mind and even makes your body feel really sick.
It’s like almost drowning, being saved and then get drowned again.
It’s just like this, sometimes worse and then it goes around again.

It’s not voices I hear in my head, it’s more like energy.
I grew up thinking they were demons but realised it was just me.
I’ve fought a lot in my life to gain wisdom and clarity.
I’ve had a lot of battles, most of the time I’ve been the enemy.

People say they envy me but they can’t see the entity
The essence inside of me, the one that empties me.
It’s a heavy burden to carry, the pain is endlessly,
Constantly reminding me of who I am and want to be.

People tell me not to worry and relax,
But my past is filled with questions that people have been to afraid to ask.
I’m not that easily scared when I seek answers and proof.
I analyze all things that come to mind and then deliver the truth..

I’m not saying its all dark skies and never ending pain.
I’m saying this is who I am and what I use to gain my strength.
The strain I put myself through is like a cleansing rain.
If I would to ignore this calling, I would rather be slain.

I don’t want an artificial life. I don’t want superficiality.
I want what’s real; I want substance, vision and clarity.
It’s sad to see societies and how people build them.
What kind of a world is this when we idolize Paris Hilton?

A break from life, a break from tiles.

These past couple of days I’ve been renovating the kitchen a little bit. Yesterday I was so tired, all I did was to go see Transformers, which sucked tremendously and then I made dinner… that’s pretty much what I did. So I was feeling bad about that and complaining about it to a friend and she really put me in place. She said:

- Between producing music, writing, working with photography, renovating your apartment and working a full time job… you seriously want to beat yourself up because you had a days rest?

When she put it like that I had to laugh at myself for being so dumb.

So, let me show you what I’ve done.

This is a computer generated picture of the tiles in my kitchen. I made this first to see how high I wanted the tiles to go and to get an idea of what it would look like.













This is a series of pictures showing the progress of me and my previously named friend, putting up the tiles. After that I decided to go ahead with a fantasy I've had, to build out the window thingy and wrap it up in tiles, said and done. Here is a double picture, the one on top is the actual work, the one beneth is computer generated... just like I emagined it!













I knew I had to hit a bump sooner or later, and today I did. The grout that you put on the tiles to seal the edges got stuck on the tiles and I've spent the past 5 hours scrubbing it with scotch brite, spunge and water. The guy at the tile store must have forgotten to give me a tiny bit of information. I found out that I am supposed to splash on some tile protective goo before the grout, to prevent it from sticking. I finally got most of it out and, well, I'll show you a panoramic picture of the kitchen when I'm done and happy with the result.

My blog does not think I'm still in Geneva.

A friend of mine recently said to me: ”Emil, your blog seams to think it’s still in Geneva”. I guess that was her subtle way of saying: “Update your fricking website!” Said, and done.

Since I came back from Geneva I have been shopping like a maniac for things to my apartment. Plants, pots, curtains, shower heads and I’m desperately trying to find mosaic tiles for my kitchen. Maria, my dear friend has been my assistant, my driver and brain stormer in all this. Sometimes I wonder how she can put up with my anal obsession with details in my apartment.

I’ve started to gaze across the borders of Sweden again, my backpack is itching and my passport is whispering in my ear. I’ve decided not to listen for now, but when I got the heads up at work last week that they might not continue and get my contract renewed after August 31, I couldn’t help fantasizing about warmer climates, more open people and new sceneries. Anyway, for now I’ll flush all those thoughts down the toilet.

Speaking of flushing things down the toilet, my cat apparently has made an important decision for himself. My cat has never liked the litter box and he always preferred standing on the sides of the box while doing his business. Watch this video and you’ll see what I mean.

Reporting from Geneva.

So, it’s my third day in Geneva and I’m loving it here. I arrived on Tuesday afternoon and since then I’ve slept a lot, taken many pictures and gone sightseeing. The city is beautiful and the people are even more beautiful. I always had the image of Switzerland being very blond and white. Geneva is a melting pot of diversity. Also, it’s not segregated the way cities usually are. The blacks, Latinos, whites and Africans are everywhere and it makes me blend in just fine. I’m serious; I haven’t seen so many beautiful people in my life!

I saw my future wife as well haha. Okay so I’m a little bit of a stalker, but this was the only intentional picture I took of her, the other one was by accident because she was in the background. Seriously, if you find anyone who looks like her, with the same playful attitude and constant laughing, let her know I want to meet her :D

Kristin and me have a lot of fun as usual. She’s the one I’m visiting here. Some of you might know her as my NYC love he he. That was a brief moment in time, we are the best of friends now and I like the fact that despite some of our differences in viewpoints we get a long really good. It’s always fun and laughter with Kristin, a hell of a lot teasing as well.

Yesterday a storm broke out and I’m not kidding when I say that thunderbolts were ripping the sky for at least 8 hours and the rain just kept on pouring. The two days I’ve been here it’s been about 30 degrees and very humid so I understand why nature had to balance out. Today it’s still warm, about 20 degrees and sunshine… a lot colder though, or fresher one might say. The rain from yesterday really quenched Geneva.

Let me tell you a secret.

I’ve always been the shy type. And when a girl from my past called me up yesterday and asked if I wanted to fuck, just like that… I started to think about why I didn’t say “sure, come on over”. I started to think back on when I was growing up and hitting puberty and I was always the shy one. My friends would have something they called “the dark minute”. Which meant that you’d turn off the lights for 1 minute and everyone would grab someone and start fooling around. I was the one who turned the lights on and off. Moving on a couple of years my friends used to have “make out parties”, with music in the background. Guess who the DJ was. I actually made a carrier out of it so I guess it’s not that bad.

This trend continued and I didn’t really think much about it. I do remember getting older though and thinking it would be cool to hook up with a really hot chick somewhere and do some nasty stuff. I was always thinking “Why does that never happen to me?” and recently I started to analyze all of this. I mean, I still fantasize about typical guy stuff, you know… the threesome, the hot stranger from the club. The various unlikely situations where you could hook up with someone you don’t know and it would be amazing.

I remembered when I was younger and I can recall at least two times when two chicks wanted to have a threesome with me. I also remember not doing it. When I think back it just seems strange. I had two hot women in my bed, wanting to get it on, but I never went for it. Why? I thought about the answer for a long while, and finally came to this conclusion. I don’t like slutty chicks.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m totally down with that sweaty, passionate and hot sex but I’m also for, making pancakes after sex. Or, you know, talking after sex. Or maybe just gazing in amazement after sex. And the thing with the stranger from the club? Honestly, how good can sex be with someone you don’t know anything about? Sex is not just two bodies fucking. If it’s just physical pleasure I want, I can manage that with my own two hands. I can even manage with one hand.

Let’s go back to the “I don’t like slutty chicks” part. I’ve asked myself the question why I don’t have any slutty women in my life. I finally found the answer. They are fucking morons. How could I respect someone like that? What type of personality would that person have? Shallow? Probably. Insecure? Most definetly. Detached from her self emotionally? Well, maybe but I won’t go that far. All I know is that there is a reason for why I don’t happen to end up in bed in strange situations with strange people and I’ve finally understood why. I don’t like people who live, act and behave that way. I like people who make me think especially over a plate of home made pancakes.

One of those weekends you just dream about.

Sometimes it just seems that stars and planets align around me and everything is perfect.

It started this Friday when I was invited for dinner at Lebanon Meza Lounge with Skåne and her friends. We ordered in 25 meze plates and went bonkers. The food was incredible, diverse and most of the time perfectly balanced. I will never go back to that place again though. We had ordered an extra portion of one of the dishes and waited over 40 minutes. Finally we asked what happened to the food and apparently he forgot, the kitchen had closed and the chef had gone home. So far, that’s pretty bad but it got worse. When we looked at the bill they had charged us for the food we never got! By then I was pretty tired of their low quality service so I went back and told them to correct it and said that they should compensate us. They didn’t. They just took of the charge that was wrong and that was that. I think when you pay 300 kr per person for some meze… well, needless to say I won’t be going back. The day after I gave them a call as well, talked to the manager and told him what had happened, at least someone will get their nuts roasted.

On Saturday I was first in Kista, at the Hoodsfred festival. From out of nowhere the surprise guest of the day got on stage, MONTEL JORDAN! He performed his super hits, “Let’s get it on tonight” and “This is how we do it”. Most people were under 20 years old so they had no idea about who he was. Me and a couple of others older people went absolutely nuts. We used to rip the dance floor with those songs. Stephen Simmons performed as well and was looking really “Commonish” with his beard, weird sun glasses and otherwise totally fly clothes.

After that we went to the University to check out the Re:publik festival. The mood was so different there. In Kista it was mostly none Swedes and no alcohol. At the university it was mostly Swedes and everyone was so ridiculously drunk. Anyway, we went into a building at the festival to check out the hiphop/rnb dance floor. We arrived at 11 PM and went absolutely bananas on the dance floor until 3 AM. I met some awesome people, especially this totally fly chica from Iran. Natural, humble and kind… and probably married hehe. Just my luck hehe.

So it became Sunday. We started off the day at the beautiful view of Stockholm, near Slussen. Then I went to meet up with some other friends at Kungsträdgården to try out the food festival there. It was a beautiful, sunny and warm afternoon with lots of lovely food and even lovelier company. It became late afternoon and we walked by the water from Kungsträdgården to Slussen, turned left and walked up to a cosy restaurant called Hermans. They only served vegetarian food, had the BBQ lit up and the smell from all the veggies was a bit overwhelming but set the mood really nice. We sat their and had a bunch of desserts. From out of nowhere a friend of my friend showed up.

We actually started to get hungry a while later and took a nice walk to work up an apetite. We ended up at a lovely Greek restaurant and had some Souvlaki and drinks. Maria, her man Shmoel, me and Maria’s friend Rosie who I had just met. After dinner me and Rosie were still restless but the others needed to get up early for work so they went home. Me and Rosie ended up at a place on Medborgarplatsen and had a nice chat. We exchanged numbers. Why am I telling you this? Well…

Today it’s Monday and it’s around midnight. I’ve had yet another laid back and lovely day, with Rosie. We had lunch, went out for a long walk down to the lake and the farm, looked at the horses and took some nice pictures. We spent the whole day together just chilling, talking and getting to know eachother. It’s so awesome to meet friends of friends because, well… obviously you like your friends so there is a good chance you will like any friend of theirs as well. So, now I’m on the train on my way back home (1 hour and 20 minutes, Stockholm is pretty big!) feeling so glad, so… at ease and just happy about the fact that there are so many beautiful, kind and loving people in the world. Thank you Shamo, Maria, Shmoel, Maria G, Rosie, Ulrika and everyone else, I've been in heaven all weekend. This has definetly been a weekend (and Monday) to remember.

Life takes you different places

Isn’t it strang how life changes us? 20 years ago I was just a restless kid, not worried about a lot of things except getting my ass kicked by my brother. School wasn’t an issue, friends wasn’t an issue. Life was just life and that was all it was.

Then puberty hit. Curiosity and experimenting, trying to figure out what I liked and didn’t like. Apparently I like brunettes, not blondes. Me and my friends started new things, had new interests. Their interests mainly revolved around drinking and trying to get laid. My interests were my turntables and music.

Then came the political phase. The analysing, questioning and revolting against various things. God, parents, society, humanity. That’s when I took a tumble and fell deep into depression. I gave up my friends and everything that even reminded me of a “normal life”. That was my destructive phase, which kept me in its grip for many years.

Then came love. Real love, not the “I love you, you love me”-love. I was about to turn 25 and all of a sudden I realised life is love and love is all and everything is connected. I was at ease with the world and came to the realisation of the old quote that “the revolution will not be televised”, that the revolution must com from inside, from every conscience being of this world… or it will selfdestruct.

Right now I’m sitting on the bus. Next to me is a young, maybe 12 year old girl who is listening to music and sketching in her notepad, carelessly. She is travelling by herself and was very polite when I got on the bus and asked if the seat next to her was available. I figured, the smaller the person next to me is, the more comfortable I can sit. She listens to and sees everything that’s going on in the bus and was very curios to see what I was doing when I was djing on my laptop.

She even took of her earphones to listen to the conversation carried on by the older lady in front of us and the young, early 20-somethinig couple next to the lady. They have a 3 month old baby which the young father is holding, cradling his son, kissing his forehead… he can’t be more then 23 years old himself.

The old lady tells them about raising children, about her own children and grand children. She doesn’t look older then 65 and she says she has 5 grand children. I watch and listen. I look at the little girl next to me. At Alfred, the little baby, his mother caressing his head and his father rocking him back and forth, hoping he stays calm. I’m watching the old lady who’s watching the young couple with a loving look of reminiscence. I’m surrounded by lives and choices. Choices I could have made in my life and I’m thinking about the choices I did make, the choices I do make every single day as well as the choices I will make in the future. And I think to myself… what a wonderful world.

Love is a game

Who would had thought it would take me 28 years to figure out the rules of love and attraction. I’ve always thought that, when it’s right… it’s right. You don’t have to play games, play hard to get or anything, you just know it when it hits you. I guess to a certain extent that’s true but there’s more to it.

Everyone has a history, old scars, issues and what not. Just because I feel that I have cleaned out my closet and don’t have any hang-ups, all though I probably do, only that I just don’t know about them, it doesn’t mean that others are quite there yet.

It’s all a matter of balance. When to much weight is put on one side, the scale tips, and we all know the scale should always be balanced, regardless if we are talking about money, eating, drinking or falling in love. There must always be balance or else everything falls apart. This is the issue I’ve been having with love… not understanding why there is always imbalance when it comes to me. Either I fall for a woman and she doesn’t fall for me, or she falls for me and I don’t fall for her.

I guess my conclusion is… one of these two. Either, writing poetry and proclaiming my love to a woman I’ve just met is over the top and only scares her off. Or I will keep writing my poetry and keep being “over the top” until I meet someone who actually thinks that’s cute, brave and falls for me just because I am over the top and head over heals.